Friday, January 20, 2006
8.---Journal entries for October 8th, 2001
Oct 8, 2001
(1.)
The president sent out airstikes to Afganistan on Saturday night, targeting the terrorists training camps and the Taliban's too. So everyone (not really-85%) is glad of that. Finally some action and we've been smarting since September 11th. Now we are afraid of more terrorist attacks but the military is still on it so that will be the battle--back and forth. We hope to avert disaster at home. they caution us to remain hypervigilant. I know I am.
But, at work, this is viewed as paranoia. Strange, we could have death camps next door to us and still we'd tell people they're paranoid to be suspicious.
Meanwhile this private party continues and I tire of it. Many see the changes but few could begin to believe this even if they read it in the New York times. So I write the book and I will need help as I am not a writer.
(this is historical background and the rest is continuance of the story that has already been in progress since Feb. 2000 or earlier--The crime of EMF torture)
______________________________________________________________
(2.) - The beginning of the crime in February 2000
She heard them playing the tapes--it was loud enough and yet not too loud. In fact, at first she thought they were saying the same things over and over again--"Tinsel is a lesbian, Tinsel is a lesbian, really, she is, seriously, she really is...etc." She blocked it out during the day with music, TV and before bed--with earphones.
But she heard the steady drone whenever she lay in bed at night to sleep--even into the wee hours.
And then in the morning they either spoke loudly outside her window--about her--or she awoke to the tapes low and clear, over and over--"Tinsel is a lesbian, really, seriously".
Writing this twice is wearisome, tedious and yet this is what she had to listen to for about 4 months or so. They were persistant and apparently trying to drive her insane. She marveled at the kind of mentality that could plan and execute such stupidity over long periods of time.
She herself had trouble holdings thoughts let alone sticking to a pointless goal. In fact, it was this "living in the moment" mentality of hers that actually allowed her to forget them for most of the time. In the beginning, unfortunately, her own goals were finally dispersed amidst the dawning realization that this was not only not going to go away, but was actually getting worse.
She made various trips to the police station. (give many accounts)
____________________________________________________________
(3.)-book
Kodaram had his ear to the wall--
"I can't talk--they're listening--He's probably got his ear against the wall right now".
He dropped the glass he had in his other hand with a crash! She knows!!!!
And he laughed wickedly as he thought of how long he'd been preparing this campaign against her. Indeed, it was the week after she moved in that he knew for sure that she'd be the one.
But, in truth, he'd have put the screws to her anyway since she was the only one he could get to.
The neighborhood was Mildew. He moved there within months of arriving in Delaware County. He'd lived in America but his dark hair and eyes and small stature along with an ever-so-slight brownish caste to his skin belied his Middle Eastern origin. When he first moved to Mildew it was the small Middle Eastern population that attracted him. But, in less than 10 years, there were 4X that number. In fact, it was now considered the densest enclave in the Delaware County area.
he came there for more than the community feeling that most most Middle Easterners were drawn to. He was a very unhappy man. His unhappiness had grown and grown but his understanding of its' source was never investigated by him. While the rest of America worked on learning to understand other cultures and overcome prejudice, this man carefully cultivated his hatred. It grew wild and became thick as a pumpkin patch.
While intelligent, conscientious people worked hard to achieve the desired melting pot that America has been striving for years to become, he was allowing every dark emotion free reign. Every resentment was treated like a wound he alone had to endure. Life was unfair. He was not the King and he'd vowed to even the score.
Meanwhile, next door, a new neighbor had moved in--a recovering alcoholic, lesbian, artist/musician. At last! He now had a scapegoat to aim all his venom at--and she was sensitive. He smelled blood and smiled. Yes, he was a vegetarian but this was a primal scent that made his mouth water.
____________________________________________________________
(4.)-book
He fancied himself an inventor, among other things. He took other peoples' ideas and prided himself on changing the use from good to evil. He was like the boy in the bubble--unhealthy and unable to thrive around the normal conditions that others lived in each day.
But he decided that htis was not because of his health problems but because he was better--superior to other dirty human beings. He took his weak points and using self-delusion turned every insecurity and failure at self-control into proof that he was, in fact, stornger and harder than the rest.
No one but he could explain how it worked but the outcome of all his rationalizations was that agner, hatred, envy and murder were the true state of REAL MEN. This masked (in his mind) his impotence and conferred upon him an abstract virility that (again, in his mind) was superior to the actual thing.
Did his wife agree? Well, she doubled her weight in 2 years so I'll let you do the math.
Anyhow, something happened tha would forever change his life.
Sampath smiled evilly recalling when he had first read the Newsweek article. A scientist somewhere had found a way to insert a camera into an animal. Behind the lenses and all without any actual surgery. A simple insertion of electro-magnetic energy aimed at it and held in place by opposing energy fields. It stuck to the animal no matter how fast he ran or how far. Whether indoors or out it stayed in place like a heat-seeking missile and, once in, never left as long as the original environment of energy was left intact.
In the article he got little info on the hows-so he pursued it further. He had little interest in animals and there view of the world however. He had an evil epiphany that day. He saw people he hated being invaded--having no privacy. He saw his chance for revenge and, unfortunately, he hated everybody who wasn't him or exactly like him.
His primary targets of hatred were women. During an age where the basics of psychology are understood by high schoolers, he managed to ignore his own as if he were in a coma for the whole cultural revolutionb of the last 200 years. Like some recluse from feudal times taking in our world, he was not exactly what you'd call a man of the world.
It never occurred to him, for instance, that hating women was HIS problem.
He also hated white people.
He hated white people, women and most of all homosexuals. But, if they were good-looking and strong this was a personal affront to him. Of course he defended his hatred to himself as all people rationalize their worse mistakes in life.
He was a brown man and ugly. So, there you go, a white woman who is attractive is...is what? See--you can't make sense of it just yet. So far, he's a racist and a misogynist. That still doesn't explain it all well enough. The looks fuck it up because most men are attracted to good-looking women. The only ones immune to them are, well, men who prefer men.
So, here was a racist, misogynistic man who had a peculiar dislike for certain races-white, sexes-women and also--Bingo!!! Gays.
See the hating of homosexuals is the give-a-way. If a gay woman takes your woman, there's a motive for revenge. But, if the gay woman has never done a thng to you, your woman, your family--then why would you hate her?
Let's say she's had a few attractive women in her life. Is this a reason for hating her? Well, if you're too insecure to go after attractive women yourself you may indeed be jealous.
But something's still not right here. She's attractive. You're not. So does this mean she's the competition--your rival? And if so, you ruin her looks, throw acid in her face? Why so much hatred? Were you in love with a woman she had?
If so, why wouldn't you just get one of your own? No--it's not the woman thing because if you put all your energy into torturing a woman for revenge, your hate is greater than your love. So, the motive isn't enough to explain the crime.
There's more venom. Where's it coming from?
She's white, gay and looks good, is talented and not ashamed to be gay. And you don't like this--so you hate women--as demonstrated by this vicious act. But you don't want her sexually etc. so you are jealous. You don't want her girlfriends--so you are jealous of her very being.
She pays a high price to live as an out gay woman--so evidently she loves women. You, on the other hand, a male--hate women enough to scapegoat someone who never personally hurt you in any way.
So--her intense love for women threatens you. Why?
Because you don't love women. So... you are gay. But, you are not willing to pay the price of being out--too heavy--so you play straight.
When you live a lie--build a life on a lie--whose your worse enemy? The honest one--the courageous one.
So, the secret reason for all gay-hatred is latent-homosexuality.
(1.)
The president sent out airstikes to Afganistan on Saturday night, targeting the terrorists training camps and the Taliban's too. So everyone (not really-85%) is glad of that. Finally some action and we've been smarting since September 11th. Now we are afraid of more terrorist attacks but the military is still on it so that will be the battle--back and forth. We hope to avert disaster at home. they caution us to remain hypervigilant. I know I am.
But, at work, this is viewed as paranoia. Strange, we could have death camps next door to us and still we'd tell people they're paranoid to be suspicious.
Meanwhile this private party continues and I tire of it. Many see the changes but few could begin to believe this even if they read it in the New York times. So I write the book and I will need help as I am not a writer.
(this is historical background and the rest is continuance of the story that has already been in progress since Feb. 2000 or earlier--The crime of EMF torture)
______________________________________________________________
(2.) - The beginning of the crime in February 2000
She heard them playing the tapes--it was loud enough and yet not too loud. In fact, at first she thought they were saying the same things over and over again--"Tinsel is a lesbian, Tinsel is a lesbian, really, she is, seriously, she really is...etc." She blocked it out during the day with music, TV and before bed--with earphones.
But she heard the steady drone whenever she lay in bed at night to sleep--even into the wee hours.
And then in the morning they either spoke loudly outside her window--about her--or she awoke to the tapes low and clear, over and over--"Tinsel is a lesbian, really, seriously".
Writing this twice is wearisome, tedious and yet this is what she had to listen to for about 4 months or so. They were persistant and apparently trying to drive her insane. She marveled at the kind of mentality that could plan and execute such stupidity over long periods of time.
She herself had trouble holdings thoughts let alone sticking to a pointless goal. In fact, it was this "living in the moment" mentality of hers that actually allowed her to forget them for most of the time. In the beginning, unfortunately, her own goals were finally dispersed amidst the dawning realization that this was not only not going to go away, but was actually getting worse.
She made various trips to the police station. (give many accounts)
____________________________________________________________
(3.)-book
Kodaram had his ear to the wall--
"I can't talk--they're listening--He's probably got his ear against the wall right now".
He dropped the glass he had in his other hand with a crash! She knows!!!!
And he laughed wickedly as he thought of how long he'd been preparing this campaign against her. Indeed, it was the week after she moved in that he knew for sure that she'd be the one.
But, in truth, he'd have put the screws to her anyway since she was the only one he could get to.
The neighborhood was Mildew. He moved there within months of arriving in Delaware County. He'd lived in America but his dark hair and eyes and small stature along with an ever-so-slight brownish caste to his skin belied his Middle Eastern origin. When he first moved to Mildew it was the small Middle Eastern population that attracted him. But, in less than 10 years, there were 4X that number. In fact, it was now considered the densest enclave in the Delaware County area.
he came there for more than the community feeling that most most Middle Easterners were drawn to. He was a very unhappy man. His unhappiness had grown and grown but his understanding of its' source was never investigated by him. While the rest of America worked on learning to understand other cultures and overcome prejudice, this man carefully cultivated his hatred. It grew wild and became thick as a pumpkin patch.
While intelligent, conscientious people worked hard to achieve the desired melting pot that America has been striving for years to become, he was allowing every dark emotion free reign. Every resentment was treated like a wound he alone had to endure. Life was unfair. He was not the King and he'd vowed to even the score.
Meanwhile, next door, a new neighbor had moved in--a recovering alcoholic, lesbian, artist/musician. At last! He now had a scapegoat to aim all his venom at--and she was sensitive. He smelled blood and smiled. Yes, he was a vegetarian but this was a primal scent that made his mouth water.
____________________________________________________________
(4.)-book
He fancied himself an inventor, among other things. He took other peoples' ideas and prided himself on changing the use from good to evil. He was like the boy in the bubble--unhealthy and unable to thrive around the normal conditions that others lived in each day.
But he decided that htis was not because of his health problems but because he was better--superior to other dirty human beings. He took his weak points and using self-delusion turned every insecurity and failure at self-control into proof that he was, in fact, stornger and harder than the rest.
No one but he could explain how it worked but the outcome of all his rationalizations was that agner, hatred, envy and murder were the true state of REAL MEN. This masked (in his mind) his impotence and conferred upon him an abstract virility that (again, in his mind) was superior to the actual thing.
Did his wife agree? Well, she doubled her weight in 2 years so I'll let you do the math.
Anyhow, something happened tha would forever change his life.
Sampath smiled evilly recalling when he had first read the Newsweek article. A scientist somewhere had found a way to insert a camera into an animal. Behind the lenses and all without any actual surgery. A simple insertion of electro-magnetic energy aimed at it and held in place by opposing energy fields. It stuck to the animal no matter how fast he ran or how far. Whether indoors or out it stayed in place like a heat-seeking missile and, once in, never left as long as the original environment of energy was left intact.
In the article he got little info on the hows-so he pursued it further. He had little interest in animals and there view of the world however. He had an evil epiphany that day. He saw people he hated being invaded--having no privacy. He saw his chance for revenge and, unfortunately, he hated everybody who wasn't him or exactly like him.
His primary targets of hatred were women. During an age where the basics of psychology are understood by high schoolers, he managed to ignore his own as if he were in a coma for the whole cultural revolutionb of the last 200 years. Like some recluse from feudal times taking in our world, he was not exactly what you'd call a man of the world.
It never occurred to him, for instance, that hating women was HIS problem.
He also hated white people.
He hated white people, women and most of all homosexuals. But, if they were good-looking and strong this was a personal affront to him. Of course he defended his hatred to himself as all people rationalize their worse mistakes in life.
He was a brown man and ugly. So, there you go, a white woman who is attractive is...is what? See--you can't make sense of it just yet. So far, he's a racist and a misogynist. That still doesn't explain it all well enough. The looks fuck it up because most men are attracted to good-looking women. The only ones immune to them are, well, men who prefer men.
So, here was a racist, misogynistic man who had a peculiar dislike for certain races-white, sexes-women and also--Bingo!!! Gays.
See the hating of homosexuals is the give-a-way. If a gay woman takes your woman, there's a motive for revenge. But, if the gay woman has never done a thng to you, your woman, your family--then why would you hate her?
Let's say she's had a few attractive women in her life. Is this a reason for hating her? Well, if you're too insecure to go after attractive women yourself you may indeed be jealous.
But something's still not right here. She's attractive. You're not. So does this mean she's the competition--your rival? And if so, you ruin her looks, throw acid in her face? Why so much hatred? Were you in love with a woman she had?
If so, why wouldn't you just get one of your own? No--it's not the woman thing because if you put all your energy into torturing a woman for revenge, your hate is greater than your love. So, the motive isn't enough to explain the crime.
There's more venom. Where's it coming from?
She's white, gay and looks good, is talented and not ashamed to be gay. And you don't like this--so you hate women--as demonstrated by this vicious act. But you don't want her sexually etc. so you are jealous. You don't want her girlfriends--so you are jealous of her very being.
She pays a high price to live as an out gay woman--so evidently she loves women. You, on the other hand, a male--hate women enough to scapegoat someone who never personally hurt you in any way.
So--her intense love for women threatens you. Why?
Because you don't love women. So... you are gay. But, you are not willing to pay the price of being out--too heavy--so you play straight.
When you live a lie--build a life on a lie--whose your worse enemy? The honest one--the courageous one.
So, the secret reason for all gay-hatred is latent-homosexuality.
7.---Journal entries of Oct. 7 2001
October 7, 2001
She wondered when their karma would catch up with them. She wondered that alot these days--wishing for a sign of some kind.
And there were plenty of karmic occurances happening all throughout.
First, there was the earthquake in India--to her an unmistakable warning--or perhaps a response from the universe aimed at showing them how all things great and small can only take so much before they explode. Maybe Mother Nature's recovery was also violent and not pretty as well.
She now felt that September 11th was her own experience to the millionth degree--through the walls yet! And though it may seem inflated to relate these events to her own ongoing torture, she never felt her own experiences were only about her. There would be others--other victims, that is. There were also her own family and friends and their lives were also affected by this as well.
God works in mysterious ways, it's said.
She was understanding that He didn't only disarm the opponent, he wished them to learn why the weapons were evil. Once a thing comes into being it can't be undone technologically--only philosophically and spiritually. As we learned to fear and respect the nuclear energy, we discovered, we also learned to carefully protect ourselves.
After September 11th--they karmically got to feel the beginning feelings I went through in Millbourne. Now they walk around being eyed suspiciously and talked about by total strangers. And those who stick up for them are also powerless to actually protect them--only to pick up the pieces afterwards.
So God works in mysterious ways--they fell the pinch of that now as I did then--the beginnings of empathy.
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes and understanding their situation. They never did this with me but God has forced them to feel the same feelings--minority feelings, etc.
Unfortunately they feel it is a matter of honor to disregard their own feelings as well as keep their focus on the same goal now as it was then despite all the outer circumstances which would lead an intelligent person to reconsider. (Even though they-the perpetrators of emf assault-- felt they should stop this crime after the 9/11/01 tragedy--they ignored that and kept on using the weapons on me.)
So God works in mysterious ways and I'm glad God is wiser than I because I have no idea what the next move should be. But he/she/it does so we'll see because there's a big lesson they aren't getting and I haven't the foggiest idea what that is now since it's deeply imbedded in their Middle Eastern Character.
She wondered when their karma would catch up with them. She wondered that alot these days--wishing for a sign of some kind.
And there were plenty of karmic occurances happening all throughout.
First, there was the earthquake in India--to her an unmistakable warning--or perhaps a response from the universe aimed at showing them how all things great and small can only take so much before they explode. Maybe Mother Nature's recovery was also violent and not pretty as well.
She now felt that September 11th was her own experience to the millionth degree--through the walls yet! And though it may seem inflated to relate these events to her own ongoing torture, she never felt her own experiences were only about her. There would be others--other victims, that is. There were also her own family and friends and their lives were also affected by this as well.
God works in mysterious ways, it's said.
She was understanding that He didn't only disarm the opponent, he wished them to learn why the weapons were evil. Once a thing comes into being it can't be undone technologically--only philosophically and spiritually. As we learned to fear and respect the nuclear energy, we discovered, we also learned to carefully protect ourselves.
After September 11th--they karmically got to feel the beginning feelings I went through in Millbourne. Now they walk around being eyed suspiciously and talked about by total strangers. And those who stick up for them are also powerless to actually protect them--only to pick up the pieces afterwards.
So God works in mysterious ways--they fell the pinch of that now as I did then--the beginnings of empathy.
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes and understanding their situation. They never did this with me but God has forced them to feel the same feelings--minority feelings, etc.
Unfortunately they feel it is a matter of honor to disregard their own feelings as well as keep their focus on the same goal now as it was then despite all the outer circumstances which would lead an intelligent person to reconsider. (Even though they-the perpetrators of emf assault-- felt they should stop this crime after the 9/11/01 tragedy--they ignored that and kept on using the weapons on me.)
So God works in mysterious ways and I'm glad God is wiser than I because I have no idea what the next move should be. But he/she/it does so we'll see because there's a big lesson they aren't getting and I haven't the foggiest idea what that is now since it's deeply imbedded in their Middle Eastern Character.
6.---Journal entry for October 1, 2001
October 1, 2001
She had awoken with a start. Then he said "Get up, get up!" and went on and on. The other one chimed in and it was the usual bullshit.
She thought--Oh it won't be long now--somewhere out there in the night people are planning something not-so-sweet for the likes of these two.
They wanted to know more, but her face felt funny, she didn't want to get up,
"Get up!"
"Don't do it."
But finally she did, to see why her forehead felt funny. In the mirror she saw that they had fucked it up. Those sharp pains earlier under her eyebrows had actually been them--unhinging her eyebrows! (exclamation is just for the reader--it's not very new or different to feel and see the disintegration--they've been doing this steadily since April, slowly but surely, so that's 6 months of throwing acid on her face over and over again only instead of acid they are using technology.)
She looked in the mirror. Oh yes, it was too late for her alright. But as she digested this last bit of destruction, she thought of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and knew that they'd be dealt with. the harm was already done but these people would pay--sooner or later.
She smiled at herself in the mirror and thought--soon you'll be hearing the sound of a bomb descending upon you, or, will it be a firebomb thrown from a car--a few cars in a coordinated well-choreagraphed dance of destruction?
Two years ago she could never have dreamed such a thing--would never have believed that the thought of Millbourne being blown to bits would be a miraculous event. Now, she lived to see the day and from what she could see in other people's behavior over the last week--she knew it wasn't something that unlikely. In fact, you could bet on it and probably the odds would be somewhere around 50-50.
So the smile turned into a whole overall sensation of wicked joy as she thought of how beautiful it would be to see karma like this come about before her own eyes. As of late, her belief in fairness had been sorely challenged but her faith was strong and patient.
"Do you know how much Americans want to hurt you right now? Do you have any idea of how hurt and angry we are and how little we care to sit by doing nothing to avenge this Bin Laden bullshit?
Yes, we are in the anger stage and being urged to be patient. They tell us a war against terrorism is not clear-cut etc. No, it'll take time. Be patient.
But, in the subway, people look angry. How did they look last week? I don't recall--didn't notice. So that's how we felt--too sad to notice.
This week, people appear to be on the edge of violence--like they will hurt someone with little provocation. A couple of drinks might lead to new friendships which are the beginning of small bands of avengers seeking to hurt back.
Who will they target? Innocents?
Well the profile of the terrorists are people who stick to themselves, work--but don't fit into their new surroundings. Living in America but not attempting to assimilate into the culture.
Sounds like Millbourne to me.
Just months ago the Philadelphia Inquirer did a large write-up on Millbourne, boasting a high percentage of Middle-Easterners, they called it an enclave.
So now this. And just last year I lived there and had just been driven out.
A year later I found that gay people believe in hate crimes and straight people shake their heads and change the subject.
One of the unhappy fallouts of this hurtful event was realizing that, indeed, many straight people tolerate gays but don't feel appalled at a hate crime. I found out that it's something they understand, on some level, as non-eventful.
As blacks fought for their rights and only had sparse support from whites initially, gays too are almost alone in our fight for basic human rights. Most people have the attitude that it's only for "nice folks" to give at their own discretion.
They problem with that is the same as the problem with tipping your waitress. If it's not mandatory, people who do tip often act like they're doing someone a favor and people who don't tip think it's like giving away what's theirs. Whether it's money or respect for another person's dignity, to withold it is wrong and ugly. But, in the case of the waitress, if she doesn't like it, she can find another line of work. But, if you're gay, you don't have that option. Rejecting your own sexuality is no more an option for gays than it is for straights. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying to you or themselves.
But, enought of that. Save the Civil Rights speeches for the Hates Crimes Legislation. Now what was needed was action.
She had done what she could in the beginning and now was in the unhappy position of having to pray to God for deliverance. Until last week she wasn't sure how that could realistically happen.
Now it was all so clear. She smiled as she realized this karma stuff really does work. Amazed at the thought that a tragic event that has killed thousands of people would also be responsible for freeing her form this most hellish bondage.
If she could, she'd trade her own life to undo September 11th. In fact, in the beginning, it seemed to her a cruel God that would allow her own crime to be a mere foreshadowing of such an unthinkable event. She felt ill recalling the visuals of that day, still unable to allow herself to take it all in.
Since that day, the outer and inner were, for her, the same. Her own crime against her person now had a large mirror which, though not sending back a pretty reflection, did send back an accurate one.
So here she knew she was not alone any longer. A whole country felt her pain. Her sense of betrayal and helplessness were now shared by all. She went through the grief process along with everyone else. But this time she could speak about it and hear from everyone the same feelings and thoughts.
Perhaps now, her personal dilemma--this technological crime against her body and mind--was going to be resolved. Sooner or later someone would take down the walls of Millbourne and she was forever cured of any overly liberal tendencies that could interfere with her total enjoyment and relief at this thought.
Free at last--free at last--She knew that soon she'd be free at last!
Would she seek to learn the cultural differences this time? No way, Jose! She wished she could share that with everyone, but was relieved to find out that the Military already was in that gear itself despite all diplomatic asides.
We were going to hunt down terrorists. We weren't going to mow down countries and that's the way it should be since the terrorists are a minority. So everyone can read up on Muslims and find out why they despise American ways. But the problem is not the Muslims or their beliefs--it's the jerk-offs and their belief that killing innocent people is okay if you just find a religion to hide behind while you're slaughtering them.
Who are they fooling? Well, not the Muslims and thank God, not the U.S. Military. The liberals will have much confusion but only because they are missing the point. All discussions and theories are meaningless after the violence has killed people because no one cares about what anyone thinks when they hurt people first and talk later.
Why, many a murder has been avoided by realizing there are consequences to be paid later. And they aren't just social or judicial but internal as well.
People who hurt people lose credibility with themselves as well since all violence actually can be read as a failure at self-control afterwards.
She had awoken with a start. Then he said "Get up, get up!" and went on and on. The other one chimed in and it was the usual bullshit.
She thought--Oh it won't be long now--somewhere out there in the night people are planning something not-so-sweet for the likes of these two.
They wanted to know more, but her face felt funny, she didn't want to get up,
"Get up!"
"Don't do it."
But finally she did, to see why her forehead felt funny. In the mirror she saw that they had fucked it up. Those sharp pains earlier under her eyebrows had actually been them--unhinging her eyebrows! (exclamation is just for the reader--it's not very new or different to feel and see the disintegration--they've been doing this steadily since April, slowly but surely, so that's 6 months of throwing acid on her face over and over again only instead of acid they are using technology.)
She looked in the mirror. Oh yes, it was too late for her alright. But as she digested this last bit of destruction, she thought of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and knew that they'd be dealt with. the harm was already done but these people would pay--sooner or later.
She smiled at herself in the mirror and thought--soon you'll be hearing the sound of a bomb descending upon you, or, will it be a firebomb thrown from a car--a few cars in a coordinated well-choreagraphed dance of destruction?
Two years ago she could never have dreamed such a thing--would never have believed that the thought of Millbourne being blown to bits would be a miraculous event. Now, she lived to see the day and from what she could see in other people's behavior over the last week--she knew it wasn't something that unlikely. In fact, you could bet on it and probably the odds would be somewhere around 50-50.
So the smile turned into a whole overall sensation of wicked joy as she thought of how beautiful it would be to see karma like this come about before her own eyes. As of late, her belief in fairness had been sorely challenged but her faith was strong and patient.
"Do you know how much Americans want to hurt you right now? Do you have any idea of how hurt and angry we are and how little we care to sit by doing nothing to avenge this Bin Laden bullshit?
Yes, we are in the anger stage and being urged to be patient. They tell us a war against terrorism is not clear-cut etc. No, it'll take time. Be patient.
But, in the subway, people look angry. How did they look last week? I don't recall--didn't notice. So that's how we felt--too sad to notice.
This week, people appear to be on the edge of violence--like they will hurt someone with little provocation. A couple of drinks might lead to new friendships which are the beginning of small bands of avengers seeking to hurt back.
Who will they target? Innocents?
Well the profile of the terrorists are people who stick to themselves, work--but don't fit into their new surroundings. Living in America but not attempting to assimilate into the culture.
Sounds like Millbourne to me.
Just months ago the Philadelphia Inquirer did a large write-up on Millbourne, boasting a high percentage of Middle-Easterners, they called it an enclave.
So now this. And just last year I lived there and had just been driven out.
A year later I found that gay people believe in hate crimes and straight people shake their heads and change the subject.
One of the unhappy fallouts of this hurtful event was realizing that, indeed, many straight people tolerate gays but don't feel appalled at a hate crime. I found out that it's something they understand, on some level, as non-eventful.
As blacks fought for their rights and only had sparse support from whites initially, gays too are almost alone in our fight for basic human rights. Most people have the attitude that it's only for "nice folks" to give at their own discretion.
They problem with that is the same as the problem with tipping your waitress. If it's not mandatory, people who do tip often act like they're doing someone a favor and people who don't tip think it's like giving away what's theirs. Whether it's money or respect for another person's dignity, to withold it is wrong and ugly. But, in the case of the waitress, if she doesn't like it, she can find another line of work. But, if you're gay, you don't have that option. Rejecting your own sexuality is no more an option for gays than it is for straights. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying to you or themselves.
But, enought of that. Save the Civil Rights speeches for the Hates Crimes Legislation. Now what was needed was action.
She had done what she could in the beginning and now was in the unhappy position of having to pray to God for deliverance. Until last week she wasn't sure how that could realistically happen.
Now it was all so clear. She smiled as she realized this karma stuff really does work. Amazed at the thought that a tragic event that has killed thousands of people would also be responsible for freeing her form this most hellish bondage.
If she could, she'd trade her own life to undo September 11th. In fact, in the beginning, it seemed to her a cruel God that would allow her own crime to be a mere foreshadowing of such an unthinkable event. She felt ill recalling the visuals of that day, still unable to allow herself to take it all in.
Since that day, the outer and inner were, for her, the same. Her own crime against her person now had a large mirror which, though not sending back a pretty reflection, did send back an accurate one.
So here she knew she was not alone any longer. A whole country felt her pain. Her sense of betrayal and helplessness were now shared by all. She went through the grief process along with everyone else. But this time she could speak about it and hear from everyone the same feelings and thoughts.
Perhaps now, her personal dilemma--this technological crime against her body and mind--was going to be resolved. Sooner or later someone would take down the walls of Millbourne and she was forever cured of any overly liberal tendencies that could interfere with her total enjoyment and relief at this thought.
Free at last--free at last--She knew that soon she'd be free at last!
Would she seek to learn the cultural differences this time? No way, Jose! She wished she could share that with everyone, but was relieved to find out that the Military already was in that gear itself despite all diplomatic asides.
We were going to hunt down terrorists. We weren't going to mow down countries and that's the way it should be since the terrorists are a minority. So everyone can read up on Muslims and find out why they despise American ways. But the problem is not the Muslims or their beliefs--it's the jerk-offs and their belief that killing innocent people is okay if you just find a religion to hide behind while you're slaughtering them.
Who are they fooling? Well, not the Muslims and thank God, not the U.S. Military. The liberals will have much confusion but only because they are missing the point. All discussions and theories are meaningless after the violence has killed people because no one cares about what anyone thinks when they hurt people first and talk later.
Why, many a murder has been avoided by realizing there are consequences to be paid later. And they aren't just social or judicial but internal as well.
People who hurt people lose credibility with themselves as well since all violence actually can be read as a failure at self-control afterwards.
5.---Journal entries for September 13, 2001
September 13, 2001
Went to prayer vigil at City Hall--Mayor Street and Govenor Ridge were there as well as several reverends and Cardinal Beviloqua and the news media were there.
Cei ran into me in front of the Liberty Bell. I thought the vigil was there and so she got me to it right on time. It was good to hear--I needed it.
Then went to W. W. and ran into Kathy--she gave me some cash she owed me from when I ferret-sat for her. Then I saw Joe--all buff--was he okay? Yes or no. Hope he is. Home and news.
Called Tommy because my mother told me he's going to war if we have it. I told him I understand and would go too if I could--He's okay now--he was upset but he's ready to fight now. So he's feeling very much like helping. I want to help tool Thought of giving blood--heard they were turning people away. Maybe I'll be able to get supplies to 5th & Market tomorrow. It's not much but it's something.
________________________________________________________________
Went to prayer vigil at City Hall--Mayor Street and Govenor Ridge were there as well as several reverends and Cardinal Beviloqua and the news media were there.
Cei ran into me in front of the Liberty Bell. I thought the vigil was there and so she got me to it right on time. It was good to hear--I needed it.
Then went to W. W. and ran into Kathy--she gave me some cash she owed me from when I ferret-sat for her. Then I saw Joe--all buff--was he okay? Yes or no. Hope he is. Home and news.
Called Tommy because my mother told me he's going to war if we have it. I told him I understand and would go too if I could--He's okay now--he was upset but he's ready to fight now. So he's feeling very much like helping. I want to help tool Thought of giving blood--heard they were turning people away. Maybe I'll be able to get supplies to 5th & Market tomorrow. It's not much but it's something.
________________________________________________________________
4.---Journal entry for September 11, 2001
September 11, 2001
Horrible tragedy. The World Trade Center Twin Towers were blown up by hi-jacked planes--terrorists. Also the Pentagon--and the two towers are completely gone.
S. called with the news--upset--couldn't get through to her friends. It was on TV all day--still is--they closed the city down at noon.
Everyone was afraid they'd strike again--The President will probably declare war on someone--and already they've attacked someone. I have to listen to find out who--might have been Afganistan--heard stuff about Iran--Iraq, and Palestine.
The Palestinians were gloating about our loss--so they are suspects.
Innocent people will suffer as they did here. It's sad that assholes cause national bad karma but I'm sure there will be attacks on all sorts of people here.
No work--school cancelled--sad day--still can't believe it.
Horrible tragedy. The World Trade Center Twin Towers were blown up by hi-jacked planes--terrorists. Also the Pentagon--and the two towers are completely gone.
S. called with the news--upset--couldn't get through to her friends. It was on TV all day--still is--they closed the city down at noon.
Everyone was afraid they'd strike again--The President will probably declare war on someone--and already they've attacked someone. I have to listen to find out who--might have been Afganistan--heard stuff about Iran--Iraq, and Palestine.
The Palestinians were gloating about our loss--so they are suspects.
Innocent people will suffer as they did here. It's sad that assholes cause national bad karma but I'm sure there will be attacks on all sorts of people here.
No work--school cancelled--sad day--still can't believe it.
3.---Journal entries from June thru August 2001
June 11, 2001
Talked to S.--asking her about the meaning of the Crucifixion.
"Christ died for our sins--what does that mean?"
She says "Adam and Eve were in heaven--God says 'Listen to me and be happy'."
They decided to go for the apple instead--and that was Free Choice. But, since they disobeyed God (inner voice) they caused our downfall--cast out of heaven--Original Sin is not knowing God is there. The cure is finding Him (or your way back) and realizing this (life) is a gift (heaven).
The Crucifixion was about Jesus Christ (a human) living life in his manner--showing how a person, who fully believes in God, communicates with God and then even when God lets him die--He rises from the dead to show that nothing, even death, is as real as God.
So, dying for his belief in God was a gift powerful enough to keep a person strong and good despite earthly trials--the trials that often leave people feeling hopeless. But, by dying for his belief and faith in God, He showed a way to be Human and yet connected to God.
Purpose--God--Hope--Meaning--Love is being connected to Life. Sense of security comes from knowing God.
________________________________________________________________
August 25, 2001
The worst thing you can do to another human being and you enjoy doing it. I don't understand and don't want to. It's evil--insane.
She now knows that she's at war--She only cares about preserving herself at all costs. Understanding is a luxury she can no longer afford. She ceases the attempts to understand and instead resolves to build up her own walls. There's no more belief in "the others" humanity. They relinquished that awhile ago.
So now she would be wise to do the same. Flush the toilet. She does and will until it goes away. No one gets in without the password and it's not "hate".
_____________________________________________________________
August 29, 2001
PLOT SUMMARY
(another attempt to organize this into a book)
Girl in neighborhood 7 1/2 years is run out of it by terroristic neighbors. The bargain--leave town or we'll never let you live. She leaves--they stay and stalk her forever.
They "gaslight" her. It doesn't work--but she flees to her sister's and they threaten to kill her sister too through the same instrument of torture. She believes this is possible and, unfortunately, plays into their plan. So that, in the process of attempting to save her sister from this "fate", she does things that cause her to appear less than sane to her sister. So they achieve the "gaslighting" after all.
During this time she makes a trip back to Mildew. She knocks on their door as they have requested and they don't answer. She stomps off in frustration and sees the cop who tried to help her. They barely speak and she leaves.
After a bad ending at her sisters' she moves into a friends' place. Things continue on there--they still stalk her but she's less gullible now--also less caring about others. She no longer takes on the responsibility for saving others and this saves her. During this time she makes a second trip to Mildew. She sees the same cop (the beautiful blonde) again but she's on her way out so, instead of filing another complaint, she just never returns.
So they increase efforts to make her appear nuts--waking her up in the middle of the night, etc. until finally the constant bantering and manipulation of her emotions causes friction between her and her friend. She moves on to another friend and they are able to peacefully co-exist but she's quick to find an apartment--determined to get her life back together.
She moves to a new apartment. There they begin to physically assault her. So now they have pulled out their last weapon. Death Threats abound and they attempt to kill her repeatedly.
They deface her--fuck up her legs, arms, etc. and people notice but say nothing. She knows they are evil. She knew all along but now she knows that they know too--which means they aren't acting on wrong information, etc. They actually want to hurt an innocent.
She is able to bear up simply because she's very spiritually aware and knows God has His/Her reasons. She has faith that, though she may well be killed, God has some reason and this gives her the strength each day to stay on track.
She has a hard time of it though. She's beyond taking it personally at all. She's also beyond believing God's chosen her to stay in place until help arrives. She finally realizes she may actually end up living through one of the most hateful situations ever (perhaps worse than the Crucifixion itself--worse because it won't be meaningful to anyone as it won't be discovered). So, her plan to stay in place for the police has been wasted as the people who have witnessed the crime aren't doing their part and reporting it.
She keeps the faith though because she's always believed that God has a plan. she hopes she's doing what she's supposed to be doing regardless of the outcome.
________________________________________________________________
Talked to S.--asking her about the meaning of the Crucifixion.
"Christ died for our sins--what does that mean?"
She says "Adam and Eve were in heaven--God says 'Listen to me and be happy'."
They decided to go for the apple instead--and that was Free Choice. But, since they disobeyed God (inner voice) they caused our downfall--cast out of heaven--Original Sin is not knowing God is there. The cure is finding Him (or your way back) and realizing this (life) is a gift (heaven).
The Crucifixion was about Jesus Christ (a human) living life in his manner--showing how a person, who fully believes in God, communicates with God and then even when God lets him die--He rises from the dead to show that nothing, even death, is as real as God.
So, dying for his belief in God was a gift powerful enough to keep a person strong and good despite earthly trials--the trials that often leave people feeling hopeless. But, by dying for his belief and faith in God, He showed a way to be Human and yet connected to God.
Purpose--God--Hope--Meaning--Love is being connected to Life. Sense of security comes from knowing God.
________________________________________________________________
August 25, 2001
The worst thing you can do to another human being and you enjoy doing it. I don't understand and don't want to. It's evil--insane.
She now knows that she's at war--She only cares about preserving herself at all costs. Understanding is a luxury she can no longer afford. She ceases the attempts to understand and instead resolves to build up her own walls. There's no more belief in "the others" humanity. They relinquished that awhile ago.
So now she would be wise to do the same. Flush the toilet. She does and will until it goes away. No one gets in without the password and it's not "hate".
_____________________________________________________________
August 29, 2001
PLOT SUMMARY
(another attempt to organize this into a book)
Girl in neighborhood 7 1/2 years is run out of it by terroristic neighbors. The bargain--leave town or we'll never let you live. She leaves--they stay and stalk her forever.
They "gaslight" her. It doesn't work--but she flees to her sister's and they threaten to kill her sister too through the same instrument of torture. She believes this is possible and, unfortunately, plays into their plan. So that, in the process of attempting to save her sister from this "fate", she does things that cause her to appear less than sane to her sister. So they achieve the "gaslighting" after all.
During this time she makes a trip back to Mildew. She knocks on their door as they have requested and they don't answer. She stomps off in frustration and sees the cop who tried to help her. They barely speak and she leaves.
After a bad ending at her sisters' she moves into a friends' place. Things continue on there--they still stalk her but she's less gullible now--also less caring about others. She no longer takes on the responsibility for saving others and this saves her. During this time she makes a second trip to Mildew. She sees the same cop (the beautiful blonde) again but she's on her way out so, instead of filing another complaint, she just never returns.
So they increase efforts to make her appear nuts--waking her up in the middle of the night, etc. until finally the constant bantering and manipulation of her emotions causes friction between her and her friend. She moves on to another friend and they are able to peacefully co-exist but she's quick to find an apartment--determined to get her life back together.
She moves to a new apartment. There they begin to physically assault her. So now they have pulled out their last weapon. Death Threats abound and they attempt to kill her repeatedly.
They deface her--fuck up her legs, arms, etc. and people notice but say nothing. She knows they are evil. She knew all along but now she knows that they know too--which means they aren't acting on wrong information, etc. They actually want to hurt an innocent.
She is able to bear up simply because she's very spiritually aware and knows God has His/Her reasons. She has faith that, though she may well be killed, God has some reason and this gives her the strength each day to stay on track.
She has a hard time of it though. She's beyond taking it personally at all. She's also beyond believing God's chosen her to stay in place until help arrives. She finally realizes she may actually end up living through one of the most hateful situations ever (perhaps worse than the Crucifixion itself--worse because it won't be meaningful to anyone as it won't be discovered). So, her plan to stay in place for the police has been wasted as the people who have witnessed the crime aren't doing their part and reporting it.
She keeps the faith though because she's always believed that God has a plan. she hopes she's doing what she's supposed to be doing regardless of the outcome.
________________________________________________________________
2.---Journal entries from April thru May 2001
April 1, 2001
She woke with a start--a dream fading out--voices getting louder--and yes--they're familiar.
"Hey, do you know what we did last night? We all decided to let you go. We thought about it and agreed that it was wrong and we're leaving."
A pause.
She rolled over trying to re-enter the sleep, return to the dream--eyes closing and then she felt it--the sharp tightness around the temple.
Reality of them rushing into her consciousness--pulling her away from sleepiness.
"There's been a horrible accident...wake up and turn on your TV set."
Ugh--them--she felt her dream slipping away for good. Time to get up.
They go on and on. She answers half-heartedly, barely remembering what she thinks because she's bored with them--with this. She goes to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
______________________________________________________________
April 11, 2001
Here it was--8 months to the day since "The Crowd" invaded and things weren't getting any better--in fact they seemed to be learning new ways each day to invade further and further.
She had realized some months before that "rape" was the term for this and "attempted murder" was another. They were persistent but had not realized who they were dealing with--a highly spiritual person with a very strong sense of self--not easy to shake this cat down from her tree.
They hate that--they act like it's a battle of wills--but since they are armed and invulnerable for the most part--they are mistaken. This is an assault on and innocent unarmed victim--but spiritually, a sense of values, a sense of self as well as others is a suit of armor and my own is quite strong.
Unfortunately, it's such a waste of my precious time. This used to anger me. Now I just wonder what the point of their ongoing assault is all about.
They claim they stand to make money doing this shit to people but all I see is a vast wasteland of cluttered, abused corpses in the future of the human race. They care only for their own so the battle is not between them and me. It's between people who care period and those who care only for their bloodline.
This is sad and stupid but I suppose in the end this will be the wave of the future--sort of like "1984" and "Planet of the Apes" combined--only the apes were intelligent.
So, privacy will be gone and people will never be the same. Once they find out about this shit everyone will become tight-lipped and humanity will shrink psychologically because, where communication itself is feared and censored, all beauty and creation and joy are stifled. Love goes underground. All is not lost but the change will be the worst in human history.
The weird part is they know it's wrong. They know it will fall into the worst hands and still they don't care. Of course their own hands aren't exactly clean. But, to see the potential harm and to go ahead and give birth to this kind of horror is beyond my comprehension. I can't conceive of how they are able to consider themselves intelligent while they are being so careless in such a big way--too sad to even cry over--really.
I guess this is going to be the end of the world and people will kill themselves in droves because of this. What can I do? What? Nothing--absolutely nothing. And now Hell on Earth will have reached closer to being a reality than ever before.
Beautiful women will be stalked with this. Strong men and women will be assaulted. Children will be molested before they are allowed to grow up and even if they are unaware they will not feel right--or if they know about it they will feel more inhibited than any of us ever had to.
People of good character will be constantly put through it--and the person who created it listens and loves the attention that he steals. People who are confident will be crawling around, reduced by jealous, sadistic, bitter and hateful monsters.
So Hell is going to be here. Very sad. So glad I didn't have children. What kind of world will they live in--Yuuck!
A new form of rape--just what we needed.
__________________________________________________________________
May 15, 2001
Over 9 months since the invasion and as could be imagined (only by someone who is me) things are unimaginably worse. Since they are present, I won't list the atrocities but there are less people involved. I can only make out 4 though there may be less, possibly more. I no longer think there will be a lot of this, certainly not every block, but it will grow as time goes on. In fact, I take it back. I am a good person so it's naieve to think it won't be alot. But if the police find out everything will be diffused. So, just one bust and the whole fucking party will be over.
(Of course, now in hindsight, I see how wrong I was about this crime. I now know that this is being done to people all over the U.S.A., Canada, Germany, U.K., Russia, Japan, France and Norway.)
_______________________________________________________________
She woke with a start--a dream fading out--voices getting louder--and yes--they're familiar.
"Hey, do you know what we did last night? We all decided to let you go. We thought about it and agreed that it was wrong and we're leaving."
A pause.
She rolled over trying to re-enter the sleep, return to the dream--eyes closing and then she felt it--the sharp tightness around the temple.
Reality of them rushing into her consciousness--pulling her away from sleepiness.
"There's been a horrible accident...wake up and turn on your TV set."
Ugh--them--she felt her dream slipping away for good. Time to get up.
They go on and on. She answers half-heartedly, barely remembering what she thinks because she's bored with them--with this. She goes to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
______________________________________________________________
April 11, 2001
Here it was--8 months to the day since "The Crowd" invaded and things weren't getting any better--in fact they seemed to be learning new ways each day to invade further and further.
She had realized some months before that "rape" was the term for this and "attempted murder" was another. They were persistent but had not realized who they were dealing with--a highly spiritual person with a very strong sense of self--not easy to shake this cat down from her tree.
They hate that--they act like it's a battle of wills--but since they are armed and invulnerable for the most part--they are mistaken. This is an assault on and innocent unarmed victim--but spiritually, a sense of values, a sense of self as well as others is a suit of armor and my own is quite strong.
Unfortunately, it's such a waste of my precious time. This used to anger me. Now I just wonder what the point of their ongoing assault is all about.
They claim they stand to make money doing this shit to people but all I see is a vast wasteland of cluttered, abused corpses in the future of the human race. They care only for their own so the battle is not between them and me. It's between people who care period and those who care only for their bloodline.
This is sad and stupid but I suppose in the end this will be the wave of the future--sort of like "1984" and "Planet of the Apes" combined--only the apes were intelligent.
So, privacy will be gone and people will never be the same. Once they find out about this shit everyone will become tight-lipped and humanity will shrink psychologically because, where communication itself is feared and censored, all beauty and creation and joy are stifled. Love goes underground. All is not lost but the change will be the worst in human history.
The weird part is they know it's wrong. They know it will fall into the worst hands and still they don't care. Of course their own hands aren't exactly clean. But, to see the potential harm and to go ahead and give birth to this kind of horror is beyond my comprehension. I can't conceive of how they are able to consider themselves intelligent while they are being so careless in such a big way--too sad to even cry over--really.
I guess this is going to be the end of the world and people will kill themselves in droves because of this. What can I do? What? Nothing--absolutely nothing. And now Hell on Earth will have reached closer to being a reality than ever before.
Beautiful women will be stalked with this. Strong men and women will be assaulted. Children will be molested before they are allowed to grow up and even if they are unaware they will not feel right--or if they know about it they will feel more inhibited than any of us ever had to.
People of good character will be constantly put through it--and the person who created it listens and loves the attention that he steals. People who are confident will be crawling around, reduced by jealous, sadistic, bitter and hateful monsters.
So Hell is going to be here. Very sad. So glad I didn't have children. What kind of world will they live in--Yuuck!
A new form of rape--just what we needed.
__________________________________________________________________
May 15, 2001
Over 9 months since the invasion and as could be imagined (only by someone who is me) things are unimaginably worse. Since they are present, I won't list the atrocities but there are less people involved. I can only make out 4 though there may be less, possibly more. I no longer think there will be a lot of this, certainly not every block, but it will grow as time goes on. In fact, I take it back. I am a good person so it's naieve to think it won't be alot. But if the police find out everything will be diffused. So, just one bust and the whole fucking party will be over.
(Of course, now in hindsight, I see how wrong I was about this crime. I now know that this is being done to people all over the U.S.A., Canada, Germany, U.K., Russia, Japan, France and Norway.)
_______________________________________________________________
