Friday, January 20, 2006
6.---Journal entry for October 1, 2001
She had awoken with a start. Then he said "Get up, get up!" and went on and on. The other one chimed in and it was the usual bullshit.
She thought--Oh it won't be long now--somewhere out there in the night people are planning something not-so-sweet for the likes of these two.
They wanted to know more, but her face felt funny, she didn't want to get up,
"Don't do it."
But finally she did, to see why her forehead felt funny. In the mirror she saw that they had fucked it up. Those sharp pains earlier under her eyebrows had actually been them--unhinging her eyebrows! (exclamation is just for the reader--it's not very new or different to feel and see the disintegration--they've been doing this steadily since April, slowly but surely, so that's 6 months of throwing acid on her face over and over again only instead of acid they are using technology.)
She looked in the mirror. Oh yes, it was too late for her alright. But as she digested this last bit of destruction, she thought of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and knew that they'd be dealt with. the harm was already done but these people would pay--sooner or later.
She smiled at herself in the mirror and thought--soon you'll be hearing the sound of a bomb descending upon you, or, will it be a firebomb thrown from a car--a few cars in a coordinated well-choreagraphed dance of destruction?
Two years ago she could never have dreamed such a thing--would never have believed that the thought of Millbourne being blown to bits would be a miraculous event. Now, she lived to see the day and from what she could see in other people's behavior over the last week--she knew it wasn't something that unlikely. In fact, you could bet on it and probably the odds would be somewhere around 50-50.
So the smile turned into a whole overall sensation of wicked joy as she thought of how beautiful it would be to see karma like this come about before her own eyes. As of late, her belief in fairness had been sorely challenged but her faith was strong and patient.
"Do you know how much Americans want to hurt you right now? Do you have any idea of how hurt and angry we are and how little we care to sit by doing nothing to avenge this Bin Laden bullshit?
Yes, we are in the anger stage and being urged to be patient. They tell us a war against terrorism is not clear-cut etc. No, it'll take time. Be patient.
But, in the subway, people look angry. How did they look last week? I don't recall--didn't notice. So that's how we felt--too sad to notice.
This week, people appear to be on the edge of violence--like they will hurt someone with little provocation. A couple of drinks might lead to new friendships which are the beginning of small bands of avengers seeking to hurt back.
Who will they target? Innocents?
Well the profile of the terrorists are people who stick to themselves, work--but don't fit into their new surroundings. Living in America but not attempting to assimilate into the culture.
Sounds like Millbourne to me.
Just months ago the Philadelphia Inquirer did a large write-up on Millbourne, boasting a high percentage of Middle-Easterners, they called it an enclave.
So now this. And just last year I lived there and had just been driven out.
A year later I found that gay people believe in hate crimes and straight people shake their heads and change the subject.
One of the unhappy fallouts of this hurtful event was realizing that, indeed, many straight people tolerate gays but don't feel appalled at a hate crime. I found out that it's something they understand, on some level, as non-eventful.
As blacks fought for their rights and only had sparse support from whites initially, gays too are almost alone in our fight for basic human rights. Most people have the attitude that it's only for "nice folks" to give at their own discretion.
They problem with that is the same as the problem with tipping your waitress. If it's not mandatory, people who do tip often act like they're doing someone a favor and people who don't tip think it's like giving away what's theirs. Whether it's money or respect for another person's dignity, to withold it is wrong and ugly. But, in the case of the waitress, if she doesn't like it, she can find another line of work. But, if you're gay, you don't have that option. Rejecting your own sexuality is no more an option for gays than it is for straights. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying to you or themselves.
But, enought of that. Save the Civil Rights speeches for the Hates Crimes Legislation. Now what was needed was action.
She had done what she could in the beginning and now was in the unhappy position of having to pray to God for deliverance. Until last week she wasn't sure how that could realistically happen.
Now it was all so clear. She smiled as she realized this karma stuff really does work. Amazed at the thought that a tragic event that has killed thousands of people would also be responsible for freeing her form this most hellish bondage.
If she could, she'd trade her own life to undo September 11th. In fact, in the beginning, it seemed to her a cruel God that would allow her own crime to be a mere foreshadowing of such an unthinkable event. She felt ill recalling the visuals of that day, still unable to allow herself to take it all in.
Since that day, the outer and inner were, for her, the same. Her own crime against her person now had a large mirror which, though not sending back a pretty reflection, did send back an accurate one.
So here she knew she was not alone any longer. A whole country felt her pain. Her sense of betrayal and helplessness were now shared by all. She went through the grief process along with everyone else. But this time she could speak about it and hear from everyone the same feelings and thoughts.
Perhaps now, her personal dilemma--this technological crime against her body and mind--was going to be resolved. Sooner or later someone would take down the walls of Millbourne and she was forever cured of any overly liberal tendencies that could interfere with her total enjoyment and relief at this thought.
Free at last--free at last--She knew that soon she'd be free at last!
Would she seek to learn the cultural differences this time? No way, Jose! She wished she could share that with everyone, but was relieved to find out that the Military already was in that gear itself despite all diplomatic asides.
We were going to hunt down terrorists. We weren't going to mow down countries and that's the way it should be since the terrorists are a minority. So everyone can read up on Muslims and find out why they despise American ways. But the problem is not the Muslims or their beliefs--it's the jerk-offs and their belief that killing innocent people is okay if you just find a religion to hide behind while you're slaughtering them.
Who are they fooling? Well, not the Muslims and thank God, not the U.S. Military. The liberals will have much confusion but only because they are missing the point. All discussions and theories are meaningless after the violence has killed people because no one cares about what anyone thinks when they hurt people first and talk later.
Why, many a murder has been avoided by realizing there are consequences to be paid later. And they aren't just social or judicial but internal as well.
People who hurt people lose credibility with themselves as well since all violence actually can be read as a failure at self-control afterwards.