Sunday, January 29, 2006
20.---Journal entry for September 2, 2002
Tinsel's face now looked to be 55 years old. Her legs have veins all over them. Her whole body is losing it's tone. Her ears are shrinking and falling back from her face. She's been running for 26 years now and had none of these problems at the time of the Hate Crime in Millbourne but 2 years later and she looks ugly.
Do people notice? Yes, they do. Do they admit it? No, They won't. Why? Because, when she told them at the beginning of this, they didn't believe her so now they're sticking to their story. Too bad. They'd rather call her insane while her features melt off her face than admit their wrong. Too bad. For her. I suppose it works for them.
She's beginning to wish more people would become victims of this.
When this started she wanted to warn people--to protect them. Now, since they were treating her so badly, she wanted them to experience her torment. She never thought she'd feel this way and she now knew that when people lack sympathy you want them to suffer.
If they wouldn't feel for her she wanted them to go through it themselves. She really did.
There is also a practical reason to wish it on others. The more people who walk around with their faces torn up all of a sudden--the better chances that everyone would realize the truth.
It's a shame that she left Millbourne though. Had she stayed she could have bought a gun and learned to shoot. That would have at least given her a fighting chance. Oh well.
Cowards. No other word for it. Too damn bad. Waste of time. Waste of lives. Waste.
She was tired of trying to think of it. She could end up dying from boredom more than any other thing.
Her sister was bored by her. Of course she couldn't tell her the truth but she did tell her that--that she couldn't tell her the truth.
She took that as a crazy comment. See, now everything was either stupid or crazy. She should meet these Middle Easterners and then she'd know stupid and crazy.
Jealousy is the ugliest emotion of all. Middle Eastern men are normally short. They treat their women like shit. Short men shit on women. They hate gay women--lesbians. Ironically, they don't mind gay men. Gay men flatter them since they prefer men. Gay women don't care for men overly much and so Middle Eastern men, who shit on women to begin with, want to kill gay women. They move from the Middle East and bring their insecurities here and their women-hatred is the worst tradition they smuggle into America.
A coward thinks he's winning when he is not even in the game.
These guys attack a woman for being gay and think they are being manly. Bullies and vigilantes, they only prove what cowards they are. They use women to bond with each other, fearing that showing this kind of comraderie without a woman in sight will reveal where their affections lie.
In some circles, when a man wants to be with another man but is afraid to admit it to himself, he'll agree to a threesome that includes another man as the 3rd party. This way his curiosity about other men can have the freedom to explore without the question of homosexuality arising. (for some people anyway)
In a gang rape, men get to share sexual intimacy without risking the insecurities that overt homosexuality would bring to the fore.
In a world that labels homosexuality as failure to be a real man, inner strength is a necessity to face the psychic pressure.
Inner strength requires 4 important traits. Honesty, intelligence and most importantly courage. Maturity is required as well. Some people are buried without having ever acquired these.
Male bonding is fine but homosexuality is taboo. Make war not love. Rape is fine. Consensual sex isn't. Seems so clearly insane, and yet the insecure male just can't make the leap of awareness. Too bad. Too damn bad. And women end up getting tortured and beaten as a cure for the wounded male ego.
Women aren't stupid but in a male-dominated society they are pressured to act as if they are not only stupid but servile and masochistic. In America all of the intelligent women have become aware and only those desperate to keep up appearances have gone back to acting.
Immigrants come here for the opportunity but consider our democratic philosophy to be decadent. They like money but reject the values and intelligence which produce our wealth. They bring their women-hatred here and call it tradition. Then they proceed to teach the stupid losers of our country how to use their insecurities to achieve a sense of power by attacking single women and gays and lesbians. If you're too dumb to make use of the opportunities for wealth and achievement you can always take your frustrations out on the minority group that is still the least protected and also the least threatening.
Oooh, what fun! Kind of like the 60's and Kent State.
(Keep in mind that I wrote this while I still was unaware of the U.S. Government's involvement in the crime of EMF torture. I had also lived in a predominantly Middle Eastern neighborhood peacefully for 7 years before this crime began and had none of these thoughts about Middle Easterners until after they harassed, stalked and attacked me with these weapons for no reason but that I was American, female and gay. All prejudices that I was unaware they possessed.)
Her face was numb. Every time she got on a bus the people noticed her swinging her head as she frantically tried to get the blood circulating through her neck. All her life she was healthy as a horse. Now, right after a weirdo hate crime, her whole face was suddenly not getting blood. She just got done running and her leg and her face were going numb. Her fingers were also doing the same.
It's weird but black people seemed to be always aware that something physical was happening to her. Some white people did too. But alot of white people seemed to think her crazy-insane when she was in the worst kind of physical pain. She wondered why that was.
She hated when people looked at her like she was nuts at those times. So why did almost every black person know it was a physical thing? She didn't yet know the answer but she did know that she liked that they understood. She also knew that she always liked black people and thought this kind of was the reason even though she didn't understand what exactly that meant. She always felt like she had a common outlook on life similar to the black people she'd met. A certain feeling - sense. Perhaps a physical way. Well it would come to her some time she knew.
For now she'd just have to deal with her ongoing problem and pray as though God would answer soon. She wasn't sure why she was being tested in this way but she was ready to call it quits.
With the test, that is. Life was still good if only she could be released from this fucked up torture.
She wondered why. If reincarnation is true maybe God wanted her to experience this so that in her next life she'll recall it in one way or another. You're not supposed to recall specifics from a previous life but a few people have claimed to have a memory or two that could not possibly be from this life. Deja vu is often thought to be those types of memories.
She tried to gain strength from the thought that ultimately God needed her to experience this because she was very strong so he picked her knowing she could help protect others who weren't so strong. That made it less hard to take. Her work throughout her life on inner issues had actually prepared her to be able to survive this insane horror story in a way that few could.